I find that my life is often filled with personal struggles where answers tend to not come very easily, or the work I put in doesn’t seem to be very rewarding.
One of the things I often struggle with is my own organization, or perhaps disorganization is a far better word for what I struggle with. I try to do only what I am able, but I often overestimate my abilities in terms of time, skill, and emotions. For instance, I found out that I had double-booked myself yet again. I verbally told someone I would do something for them months ago, and then a few weeks ago, I told someone else I would be able to do something with them on the same date and time. I felt chagrined and ashamed, even though the person who I had to cancel with didn’t seem to feel any ill will. I used to keep a planner in my pocket at (nearly) all times, but I’ve lapsed in that over the past year or two. Because of this situation (and some other near-misses like it), I have decided to order another pocket planner and try to keep it with me. Hopefully that will help keep me in some semblance of order, but this issue is really just a small example of much larger issues with me.
I try to be involved in this life of mine, but I often find that I’m trying to slay all the monsters that prowl through my psyche at once. Sometimes, it’s hard to get out of bed with all those things weighing on my shoulders. I make a foray into my disorganization at one level, but let some other part of my life that I want to be taking care of entropy for a while. Then, I jump at the part that’s been slipping and work on it for a while until something else comes up. It seems I’m always wounding but never slaying these monsters of my personal struggles.
However, when I look back on my life, I do see some of these monsters that have been put to rest. For instance, my finances were in some disarray in years past. In the past few years, I’ve paid off a lot of debt, from student loans to car payments. In fact, my finances are the best they’ve ever been. I have also become a lot better at being in the moment and not fighting with the past. I even dare say I’ve found some peace of mind in spite of the monsters with which I do battle from time to time and day to day. I don’t have that peace of mind every day, but it is getting better. Perhaps as I continue to “grow up” more, some of these wounded beasties will fall away from me and die forever. One can only hope!
