Transfixus Sed Non Mortuus

Here I Stand, Pierced and Transfixed

Browsing Posts tagged challenges

This past weekend, I was able to take an amazing multi-day bicycle adventure to Muskegon, Michigan. Not only was the bicycle trip to be a great adventure, at my destination, I was expectingg to experience the sights, sounds, and wonder that is the Michigan Irish Music Festival! Needless to say, I was pretty excited.

First, please allow me to describe the bike trip. My original plan was to try to do the trip in two days. The basic route showed about 180 miles. I thought I would try to do one hundred miles the first day and eighty miles the next. However, after looking at the route and at my past experience, I thought that might be a bit more than I could handle. I noticed that my route led me near Grand Rapids, Michigan. So, I naturally thought of my sister who is going to school at Grand Valley State University. When I told her about my trip, she offered me the use of her apartment if it worked into my travels. I accepted her offer, especially since it would be a good chance to hang out with her. So, I split my route into three days. The original route had me do one hundred and four miles the first day, fifty five miles the second day, and another fifty miles for the third day. This seemed a lot more reasonable. Additionally, the first day, I would travel the furthest I ever have in one day on a bicycle. I think the furthest I had gone was eighty-some odd miles on my bicycle trip to Chicago.

The night before my big ride, I started packing. I packed all my basic camping gear and food for the journey. I had to make some tough decisions on what I would bring, but after a couple tries at fitting everything and deciding what I didn’t need, I was packed up and ready to go. By this time, it was well past one in the morning, and I had planned to get on the road at eight. So, I crashed into bed and went to sleep.

I awoke a little after eight and realized that I was already running late for my big trip. I took a shower and got myself mentally prepared for the ride ahead. I ate a protein bar and filled up my water bottles and camelbak. Then, I knew I was ready to start the longest bike ride I had ever taken in one day.

I put my bike outside and strapped everything to the back rack, and set off. The time was about nine in the morning. The first part of the ride was uneventful. My route was taking me to Dexter, which I’ve ridden to and through countless times. As I got into Dexter’s downtown area, I was starting to loosen up and I felt like my muscles were ready for the beating I was about to put them through. I felt the sun on my back and felt like the day held endless possibilities. I was quite excited and happy, but alas, that happy feeling was not to last.

Like a cloud that overshadows the sun in an instant, I experienced an immediate challenge. My rear derailleur cable snapped! I was just getting ready to cross onto Island Lake Road just outside Dexter when I heard a large snapping sound and something flew off right in front of me. I swerved off the road to examine what happened. I saw that the cable was frayed and broken right at the point where the cable meets the brake/shifter. When the back derailleur cable is broken, it means that I have to pedal in the hardest gear without the ease of being able to shift to an easier gear. This can be extremely difficult when there are a lot of hills. And I knew there were A LOT of hills between Dexter and my destination.

I got my phone out of my bag which has internet. I tried to search around for a bike shop to fix the problem. The time was about nine thirty. I saw that there was a shop in Dexter that didn’t open till eleven. I figured that would put me much too late to reach my destination before dark. I did find one in Pinckney called Village Cyclery and it didn’t appear to be terribly far out of my way. So, I deviated from my original route and headed into Pinckney.

When I arrived in Pinckney, I had a bit of trouble locating the shop, but I eventually found it…to be closed. I went next door and asked the good people if they knew anything about it, and they said that if his truck wasn’t here, then the owner wasn’t either. I felt pretty discouraged with myself, but I knew that I hadn’t much time to waste waiting for the owner. So, I set out yet again to find my route and to try my best to reach my destination in one piece.

Along the way, there were many steep and seemingly endless hills with which I had an extremely difficult time. I remember looking up at some of the hills like they were impossible mountains. However, as long as I kept moving my legs, I was able to crest them eventually. Sometimes, I felt like I was at a near standstill as I stood up on the pedals and tried to push down as hard as I could to keep the bike going.

Eventually, I reached the village of Dansville, Michigan where I stopped to take my rest. I stopped outside a nice-looking general store/ice cream parlour that had plenty of seating for me to sit on. While I rested there, I looked on my phone for more bike shops. I was feeling pretty discouraged, but thanks to google, I was able to see that Charlotte had two bike shops. There would be a pretty good chance that at least one of them would be open, and like Pinckney was, Charlotte wasn’t terribly far off my route either. I made the decision to go there.

As I started off again, I realized that I was already pretty tired and I was only a little over forty miles into my ride. That was quite discouraging, but I just focused on keeping my legs moving as I traveled up and down the hills, taking whatever the road would give me.

In truth, it wasn’t all bad. There’s something really special to me when I go on those long rides by myself, even when there’s tons of challenges along the way. I was able to see some great countryside that I hadn’t seen before. I really loved the pastoral scenes that would rise up and fall behind me in an ever-moving track of life. I saw strangers living their lives out in various ways, from farmers to utility workers. I remember thinking that there was beauty to be seen everywhere I looked. When the rhythm of what I was doing in each moment filled my consciousness, my tiredness fell away and could feel the joy of being on a journey where every second that I rode was a grand and beautiful thing, even if it was tiring.

I did get one flat tire as I was riding on Kipp Road in Mason, Michigan. It was a slow leak and at first, I thought that road was starting to just get a little rougher. Soon, it got a bit worse and I realized that I ought to at least stop to ensure that nothing was the matter.

When I got off the bike, I could see that my back tire was losing air. So, I removed my packs, flipped my bike over, and examined the back tire. I found a large staple lodged inside the tire.

Staple in Bike Tire

This bit of metal got stuck in my tire


“Well, there’s your problem,” I said to myself. Then, I changed the tire and continued on my way.

An hour or so later, I arrived in Charlotte. I was very happy that Skidmore’s Village Cycle Shop was easy to find and the shop owners were very friendly. They stopped what they were doing and took care of me. A nice lady at the counter helped me by using her computer to map my way back to my original route while the mechanic changed out the broken cable. I was so happy to see everything all ship-shape again.

After I got it fixed, I walked down the street to a park bench. I sat down on the park bench to rest a while and eat some dinner. I ate a grand meal of chia seeds, honey, an apple, and a protein bar. After that scrumptious dinner, I closed my eyes “for just a minute.” I awoke with a start to realize that another twenty minutes had gone by. So, I repacked my bike and headed for the hills.

When I say that I headed for the hills, I mean that literally. There were quite a few hills between Dexter (where my derailleur cable broke) and Charlotte. However, it seemed that there was nothing but rolling hills on the last thirty miles or so of my journey. I was worn out from the hard ride earlier, but the fixed derailleur cable allowed me to continue riding at a decent clip.

I was about one hundred miles into my ride and as I was huffing and pushing myself up a hill, a guy came out of a house and yelled at me. He asked if I had seen his dog, which was black on top with a white belly. I told him that I had not seen the pup. However, a little ways down the road, I saw a black and white animal out in a soybean field. At this point, I was coasting downhill and still breathing hard from the earlier climb. For a second, I thought that I should keep going, but if it were my animal, I would want to know where it was. So, I turned around and went back up the hill that I had been coasting down to tell the owner that it was in the next field. Then, I turned around and started back up the hill that I had just ridden down. As I crested the hill, I saw that the owner had turned around and was heading back towards me, but it appeared that the dog was still in the field. I pointed at it, thinking that perhaps he didn’t see it. He slowed down, and I said, “Isn’t that your dog?” He looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Uh, that’s a cat.” I looked back at the animal and it looked like a black-and-white animal, and yes, it probably was a cat because of its height in the soybeans next to it. I looked back at the guy and said, “Oh, my bad.” Then, I continued on my ride while kicking myself for going back in the first place up and down that hill three times. That also goes to show what kind of state my mind was in ten hours into the ride.

Aside from that little incident, I made it to Welcome Woods Campground in Hastings, Michigan. The entire trip (including rest stops) took me ten hours and fifty three minutes. The sun was setting as I pulled into the campground, and I found a campsite off the beaten path a little ways inside the campground. By the time I finished making camp, the sun had passed below the horizon.

I hurried up and cooked dinner in the dark. However, I was so exhausted that I kept falling asleep while I tried to eat the dinner. I kept forcing myself awake because I knew that I had another big day of riding tomorrow. Even if it was only fifty five miles, it was definitely going to be tough after that hundred and eight miles (as it turned out to be when I mapped it out later). At last, I finished my dinner and cleaned up a little bit. Then I drifted off to sleep. Well, actually, I didn’t exactly drift off…it was more like I dropped off the map of consciousness in a moment.

My phone battery was dead because I spent so much time googling and searching for bike shops the day before, so I did not set any alarm. However, I did wake up at nine in the morning without much issue, though my body felt quite heavy and sore.

I gathered my things and got ready to hit the road. My plan for the day was to go to Millennium Park in Grand Rapids for the day and then meet up with my sister after eight in the evening when she got out of class.

The ride to Grand Rapids was a pretty one, and it was much flatter than the day before. There were a couple of monster hills at the beginning, and one in the middle of the ride, but for the most part, it was gently rolling at best. I really enjoyed myself on that portion. The sun was continuing to rise behind me and the world seemed to be waking up all around me as well. I took my time and tried to take it pretty easy after the previous day’s hardship, and that helped make it very enjoyable.

Once I got into Grand Rapids, it wasn’t quite as pretty and there were a lot more cars. I found myself wishing for the long open roads that I had left behind. Nevertheless, I made it to Millennium Park without much incident in a little over three hours.

Millennium Park is a really beautiful place. There’s all kinds of lovely trails and there’s a paved trail that circles the whole park. There’s a large bridge a person can use to got to the Hopewell Indian Mounds State Park as well. When I got on the Indian Mounds’ main road, it looked like a normal two-lane road, but there were signs every once in a while that said “Do Not Enter” and “Wrong Way.” That’s when I realized that an entire lane of the road is reserved exclusively for bicyclists! I thought that was pretty cool.

After exploring Millennium Park and resting for a bit, I made my way out to Allendale to see my sister, Theresa. She wasn’t going to be out of class for a few hours, but I thought it best to get to my destination, and then I might be able to take some good rest and not feel like I had to get on the bike again any time soon. That ride was a bit of a challenge just because there wasn’t a lot of good roads to get there, and the road that I did end up taking to get into GVSU’s campus (Fillmore Street) had a gigantic hill about eight or nine miles into my ride. But, because I knew it was so close, I powered up it and found the rest of the trip to be fairly flat.

I arrived at GVSU and met up with Theresa and her roommate Mary Kate. They were very hospitable to me. Theresa provided ice for my knees because they were feeling quite sore from all the hard pushing the day before. They also gave me some milk, which tasted lovely after a long day of bike riding. We then went out to dinner at La Pita Fresh. It was Mediterranean cuisine, and I finished off a huge plate of chicken shwarma without any issue. I wasn’t dead tired like the night before, so I was able to stay up talking and watching tv shows with the girls for a little while before I needed to head to bed.

The next morning, I woke up about half seven and started getting ready. Theresa made me eggs, and I made her some oatmeal that I brought with me. I’m pretty sure Theresa wasn’t usually up at that hour, but she definitely was a good host in seeing me off. We shared our breakfast and then I got ready to do my final leg of the trip to Muskegon! After I had bidden Theresa adieu and thanking her for being such a gracious host, I headed off. It was about half eight or nine in the morning.

I got on the busy Lake Michigan road for a mile or two before I was able to take some back roads to the Musketawa Trail. It is a very nice flat trail that runs from Grand Rapids right to Muskegon.

Within a few minutes of getting on the trail, I crossed a road and saw a little sign on the trail that said, “Bridge Ahead.” I thought it rather strange that the builders of the trail felt the need to warn bikers of such things. As I came to the bridge, I saw that it was a wooden bridge with some nice tall handrails. There was a sheet of maybe 3/4″ plywood in the center on top of the rest of the boards. I stayed to the right (off the plywood) and started across at a decent clip, but I soon found the bridge to be a bit wet. My front tire started slipping to the left, which I corrected, but in doing so, my back tire drifted to the left with my correction, and it hit the edge of the plywood in the center. With all the weight of my bags on my back tire, it brought the whole bike over in a half second. I went down hard on my left side and slide off the bridge and onto the pavement on the other side.

“That wasn’t so good,” I thought to myself. First, I made sure that I was okay. Blood was gushing from my elbow and trickling from my knee. Additionally, my left hip and shoulder felt pretty sore, but there didn’t appear to be any real damage. I picked my bike up and got out my first aid kit. I used some antiseptic and bandages on the bloody parts and got cleaned up in about fifteen minutes. Then, I continued on, ruing the time a few moments before where I thought it strange that they would be warning bikers about a “bridge ahead.”

I was traveling slowly on the trail about five minutes later when I heard voice behind me. They seemed to be getting louder at a pretty decent rate. I looked behind me, and I saw four bikers coming up pretty hard upon me. One slowed down to ask me where I was going, coming from, etc. He seemed pretty nice, but I was still in a bit of shock. I just answered his questions and didn’t say much else. Then, the four of them started moving past me. I wished them a good day, but then I thought that it might be easier for me if I drafted off them. They didn’t seem to mind, so that’s exactly what I did.

I got to talking with a few of them, and I found out that they were with Team Traction3, a group of tri-athletes who raise funds to benefit Safe Families for Children. They seemed like pretty awesome guys, and were very inclusive of me. It helped that two were named Jon and two were named Andrew, so the fact that I was a John as well made it that much better. We talked and joked, and I was able to ride with them for probably twenty miles or more, and they made my life much easier!

The Men of Team Traction3

These guys really helped me with the last leg of my trip!

We said goodbye near downtown Muskegon, and they headed north, while I cut west towards Muskegon State Park. Not long after I broke off with the Team Traction3 guys, I was able to find the Lakeshore Trail and make my way to the park. That is a beautiful ride along Muskegon Lake to reach Lake Michigan.

Lake Michigan Ahead!

It was great to see Lake Michigan!

I felt a wonderful sense of accomplishment as I reached Lake Michigan. I was reminded of my Chicago Trip, though I didn’t immediately jump into the water like I had on the last trip. Instead, I went to the campground and set up camp.

I then took a shower and a short nap to prepare for the Irish Fest, which would be starting that very evening…

For a good portion of my life, I thought that it was incredibly important to not react to situations. I admired the stoics who would not bat an eye at any at situations beyond their control. I admired the Christians who would rather be fed to lions than yield their beliefs. I wanted to see the same doggedness in me.

When people saw me, I wanted them to see that I was dependable and honorable. I don’t think there is anything wrong with working towards a goal like that in a general sense. However, somewhere along my life-line, I think that some of my ideas about becoming always honorable and dependable slowly morphed into not letting people know how I truly felt. When I was feeling weak, it was far easier to pretend that I was still strong. When I was feeling hurt, it was far easier to make believe that I was not. When I was feeling lonely, it was really easy to imagine that I was filled with feelings of friendship and love instead.

Strangely enough, I believed I was doing the correct thing by not admitting my true human frailties. I know that some of this was due to the fact that there had been multiple times in the past where I attempted to let people know how I was feeling. Sometimes, the reaction I got was fear or misunderstanding, and that was reason enough for me to be less open about my deepest feelings. For you see, not only had I wanted to be rock-solid, people who knew me had grown to expect me to be the same. Because I was trying so hard, I certainly didn’t want to disappoint them or myself!

I was solid alright, but only on the outside. My insides were pithy, soft, and in turmoil because I tried to shove my feelings far away from my consciousness where they only festered and grew worse. And exactly like a hollow rock being worn away in a stream, I felt this inner turmoil rising to the surface of my life the more I kept up the facade of being dependable and rock-solid when I really wasn’t.

One thing I used to counteract those feelings was running. It allowed me to yell, scream, or get upset without anyone but me knowing about it. On a long run, I could allow myself to get angry at another person, and run until I wasn’t angry anymore. On a short run, I could run until my breath was so ragged and my legs were so spent, that in that space between exhausted and “half-dead,” I would come to terms with some of my feelings (for a while). While it worked remarkably well, it wasn’t the healthiest way to go about things, because if people didn’t know they were upsetting me, they would very often do the same upsetting action again, requiring another very long run!

Running worked very well indeed for a while, but eventually I contracted some knee issues, which broke my ability to release my stress through running. Within a few months without my crutch of running, the vague feelings that something wasn’t right grew larger and felt more pronounced, making me ever more fearful. It eventually became more than I could bear. Aside from not being able to run, I was reaching a crisis in my head about where I was going in my life. I felt hurt, but couldn’t logically fathom why. I felt that I could not communicate any of these to those around me because I was afraid of their reactions whenever I started a deep conversation. I was pushed on all sides with no release in sight, and I had a vague realization that I had reached a jumping-off point.

I could not live the way I was living. So, I made the changes that I thought were right in order to both simplify my life and move in the direction I felt was the right one. However, they were only external things. I was still left with me, my feelings, and my false expectations of myself. I tried many different remedies seeking more approval, money, happiness, and love everywhere I possibly could, but I was always coming up short. There was always another horizon to strive for, another fleeting moment that I wanted to last.

Then, something changed my life. I got to the point where I finally surrendered my incessant self-deception of “stoicism” by seeing others who seemed genuine, happy, and rock-solid most of the time. Unlike me, these people admitted their innermost feelings, and I could vaguely see that somehow, it made them stronger. Like a pinprick of light in an otherwise darkened room, I leapt towards them, with hope and the willingness to change in my heart. I knew that everything I had tried up to that point had not worked out for me. I could not get approval if I was seeking it. I could not get love or happiness if I was pushing for either of those things. The only thing I could get more of by working harder was money, but the more I had, the more I spent and the more I needed. It was a vicious process of seeking, finding, and always seeking more. So, I made a change, but not the external kind of change. I made an internal decision to listen to some people who seemed to have it together, and do whatever they did and whatever they told me to do.

By deciding to surrender completely, I started changing who I was from the inside out. I began a journey that finally started feeling right. There have been times in the past where I thought I had finally “got it.” I thought I was finally where I needed and wanted to be. Those moments proved to be false and fleeting. But this time, for some reason, felt especially right and especially true.

One of the many things I discovered along this journey was just how deceived I actually was about my previous outlook, my feelings, and even the things I most believed in. That sense of being dependable and honorable was mostly eluding me because I was only working to be dependable and honorable on the outside. I was trying to ignore my innermost self, my feelings. Even if I was doing it for “noble” reasons (as I often thought), I realized that I had to honestly look at how I was feeling before I did anything.

All of a sudden, I got a glimmer of truth, and other things in my life started making sense. I realized that those people I looked up to were completely aware of their feelings, and did those heroic things anyway. They didn’t shirk away from what they thought was right, in spite of the fact that they felt the temptation to do so. They were true to themselves, their whole selves. They were true to themselves by owning their thoughts, feelings, dreams, and hearts, and then proceeding in the direction they thought was the right one.

I want to do the same in my own life. I want to be dependable, but true to myself. I want to be honest with people, whether it’s about something that makes me uncomfortable (like my feelings) or something small and silly. When I do that, I can be at peace with my feelings, and that truly is a really good feeling!

A Bit of Progress

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After my collar bone injury, I haven’t done much in the way of exercise. However, this week, I’ve been able to start working out a little. I’m still in physical therapy over at Quantum (http://www.qptherapy.com), but I am seeing some improvement in my range of motion and all that jazz.

Also, while I still can’t ride my bike, I did take it to the bike shop over the past weekend, and I picked it up yesterday! It’s all ready to be ridden whenever I get the go-ahead from the folks at Quantum! Not only did the ladies and gentleman at Two Wheel Tango (http://twowheeltango.com/) do a superb job with the repairs, they also did an excellent job of cleaning my bike as well. It looks almost brand new! I’m very excited to get riding again!

So, there’s a bit of progress in my life! For that, I am truly grateful!

Nicholas Winton

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“Be prepared always to help people if there is an opportunity to do so.” ~Nicholas Winton

I had never heard of Nicholas Winton before, and if it wasn’t for his wife, I never would have. Yet, to me he is a great hero. He saw a need, helped some people, and lived his life outside the limelight.

That’s what I want. I want to help people, if I can, from a deep and true sense of altruism/faith. I now see that one of my problems is that I often get caught up in what other people think and what other people believe. These things should be taken into account, but not at the expense of my own values.

Each of us has so much potential to offer the world, and in my opinion, what we lack is eyes and motivation. My own problems blind me from the true pain of others when I could be offering hope. My own fearfulness nails me to the spot of not knowing whether I should reach out and help someone or continue on with whatever I am doing.

In my heart, I believe that I have an innate capacity to love that is not even being touched in my daily life. True, I may never have the opportunity that Mr. Winton had, but his words haunt me a little. “Be prepared,” he said. I need to be ready to help someone, regardless of whether it’s a small act or a giant one. I prepare myself through small acts of kindness and outward thinking. Then, maybe if a chance to do something like Nicholas’ chance comes along, I will have the capacity and willingness to do it.

That’s right. It finally happened. My bike has officially broke down. I’m not sure how much damage has been done, but it definitely doesn’t look good. I was riding up a very large hill, and I heard a SNAP right behind me and it immediately became extremely hard to pedal. I stopped the bike, and looked for any pieces around. I walked it for a few moments to see if I could see anything strange.

Lo and behold, the back tire was wobbling a bunch. I have a feeling the ball bearings are shot, or a retaining clip broke. While it may be a small fix, I’m not sure if I will fix it. Both wheels have needed to be replaced, but I’ve been too cheap to do so. Additionally, the price of wheels is such that it really doesn’t make sense, considering that it’s a fairly cheap bike.

I had just told my little sister the other day that I wasn’t sure how much longer the bike would last, especially the wheels. I guess I was right! In the meantime, I can take the bus and rely on other people for rides. I’m working on fixing up an old 10-speed, so hopefully I’ll be able to get that done soon.

Update: The axle has snapped. I won’t be repairing it. I’m also thinking about buying a new bike for reliability reasons. We’ll see…